Hate You Early

ChorusBeat the Christmas rush this year
Hate you early, hate your guts
Feels good to be already done
All wrapped up and time for fun

Verse 1Filled your mittens with mashed potatoes
Filled your stocking cap with gravy
Hot cocoa for your scarf
And sent your nudes to Davey

Other folks will scramble
But I planned ahead
You were trying to reach Davey
I was back in bed

Pre-ChorusIf you stay up late
With your face to frosted panes
You might get a glimpse
Of Santa gone insane

Verse 2You caught Santa on the doorbell cam
Wasn't such a pretty sight
He peed in your bushes
Put one bad bulb in your lights

He went straight around the side gate
Didn't stumble, didn't knock
You said, "He's been here before."
Your wife said, "Change the lock."

ChorusBeat the Christmas rush this year
Hate you early, hate your guts
Feels good to be already done
All wrapped up and time for fun

Verse 3Your wife unwrapped a necklace
With a tag that read "For Sue"
You said, "Who's Sue?" She said, "Your ex."
You said, "Oh. That Sue."

Davey put his fork down
Your mother got her coat
Your wife said, "Read the rest of it."
You couldn't clear your throat

BridgeSanta found the loose brick
Where you used to hide the key
The note said, "How's Tuesday Girl?"
You'd only called her that to me

You said, "I think I know that laugh."
Your wife said, "Never mind.
We'll get to him when we're done here.
Start with 'Tuesday.' Take your time."

Final ChorusBeat the Christmas rush this year
Hate you early, hate your guts
Feels good to be already done
All wrapped up and time for fun

OutroNo forwarding address
I hear there's been some drama
If you need anything
I'll be in the Bahamas