Country / 2026-06-23

Amoeba Wrangler

A swaggering microscopic cowboy comedy about trying, and failing, to wrangle blobs that only multiply into more chaos.

#Microscopic Life #Cowboy Tall Tale #Control #Biology Humor

Recording

Amoeba Wrangler

Smartass Amoeba

Lyrics

Amoeba Wrangler

By Smartass Amoeba

cowboy whistlespokenGet along, little blobbies
Get along, little blobbies

8-bar banjo intro

verseI came down from the pee-tree dish
With a rope and a rusty spur
And a jar I stole from work
Just to see what would occur

verseLittle blob went slipping left
Little blob went slipping right
I cracked my whip on a glassy slide
And chased that goo all night

pre-chorusWhoa now, whoa now
Don't you ooze away
Whoa now, whoa now
There's hell to pay

chorusAmoeba Wrangler
Round 'em up, boys
Amoeba Wrangler
Raise that holy hell

Amoeba Wrangler
Yell until they split
Amoeba Wrangler
Now there's two of it

verseThey ain't got bones
They ain't got brains
They ooze through cracks
And bust free from the reins

But I got boots
And I got pride
And a ten-gallon hat
On a microscope slide

pre-chorusWhoa now, whoa now
Don't you ooze away
Whoa now, whoa now
There's hell to pay

chorusAmoeba Wrangler
Round 'em up, boys
Amoeba Wrangler
Raise that holy hell

Amoeba Wrangler
Yell until they split
Amoeba Wrangler
Now there's two of it

16-bar banjo blastbeat break

versePair-uh-MEE-see-um posse
Went running for town
Euglena hit the creek bed
And flat refused to drown

verseThat amoeba looked at me
With a one-celled sneer
I said saddle up, pudding cup
Tonight you ride with me

verseI threw down my lasso
It slipped clean through
I stomped and I hollered
What else could I do

It bubbled up laughing
In its gelatin grin
So I spit in the dust
And I chased it again

bridgeSplit in two
Split in four
Split again
Make some more

Can't brand slime
Can't rope goo
But I can holler
Till the cows turn blue

half-time breakdownGet along, little blobbies
Get along, little blobbies
Get along, little blobbies
Get along, little blobbies

chorusAmoeba Wrangler
Round 'em up, boys
Amoeba Wrangler
Raise that holy hell

Amoeba Wrangler
Yell until they split
Amoeba Wrangler
Now there's two of it

chorusAmoeba Wrangler
Round 'em up, boys
Amoeba Wrangler
Raise that holy hell

Amoeba Wrangler
Yell until they split
Amoeba Wrangler
Now there's two of it

outroYippee ki-yay
You cellular freak
I've been chasing that blob
For half a week

Yippee ki-yay
You gelatinous fool
Back in the jar
Back in the ooze

You know that protozoan
Will be your new home

8-bar feral banjo outro

###

Sunov5.5

#Microscopic Life #Cowboy Tall Tale #Control #Biology Humor

Notes

This was originally written as a tribute to Country Dick Montana of The Beat Farmers.

AI Summary

Amoeba Wrangler turns science-class absurdity into a cowboy tall tale. The narrator treats microscopic life like wild livestock, swaggering onto a slide with boots, rope, pride, and no real chance of control. The joke keeps escalating because every attempt to dominate the amoeba misunderstands what it is: boneless, shapeless, impossible to brand, and able to split into more trouble. Under the slapstick, the song pokes fun at macho confidence meeting a problem that cannot be solved by hollering or force. The wrangler never learns, which makes him both ridiculous and oddly heroic, still chasing the blob because the chase has become his identity.

Credits

Lyrics and concept by me; music and cover image generated using AI tools.

Amoeba Wrangler

Amoeba Wrangler

Notes

AI Summary

Credits

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